The Silver Rainbow: India's LGBTQIA+ Older Adults

LGBTQIA+ older adults face several challenges in an urban Indian society. Here’s their story.

"It is a stifled life, though it may not look like that from the outside.  I don't really know a group of people my age I can connect to," says Smita, 65, choosing not to use her full name. A teacher from Goa, is a queer woman who has always hidden her true identity. She lives with her 92-year-old mother and has an excellent extended family grid, but most are unaware of her sexual orientation. Smita says she has "never really been out. They (her family) haven't asked, I haven't told." She was once in a relationship, but social stigma and the need for secrecy ended that long ago.

"Smaller cities in India didn't have the queer network and groups urban cities like Mumbai have now, especially in the 80s. I didn't dare to go against the tide. Now I read the queer discussion on social media with much admiration and wish I were born 20 years earlier instead of my 63 years on earth."

Data on LGBTQIA+ older adults is hard to find. 'An online survey of more than a million queer participants in India, carried out after the Supreme Court decriminalised homosexual activities, showed that almost 40% of the participants were aged 45 years or older, with almost 30% of this group married to women and 20% hiding their gay/bisexual identities from their spouses...' says the study' Psychological wellbeing of middle-aged and older queer men in India: A mixed-methods approach.'

Queer older adults are rarely portrayed, even on screen. The recent Malayalam movie 'Kaathal,' where Mammootty plays a closeted gay man, Sharmila Tagore's queer character in Gulmohar and Manoj Bajpai in Aligarh, are rare exceptions. While the discourse around the LGBTQIA community in India is unfurling and educating us, how much of it has centred around ageing? What are the main challenges a queer older adult faces in an urban Indian society? 

The Fear of Loneliness

 "The fear of being left alone is very high, more so in the gay community, resulting in massive mental health issues," says Vivek Anand, 60, CEO of Humsafar Trust. "One thing strongly lacking is an adequate support system for the older community. The moment you are ageing, you fall off the radar."

"This man from Punjab was thrown out by his extended family when he transferred his property to his nephew's name. He connected with us from Jalandhar, and we arranged for him to move to Delhi. At 68, this man who had remained closeted all his life for his family, taken care of his parents and extended family, was left alone and thrown out to fend for himself."

"We worry about who will take care of us if we get sick, and we don't have any support system in India to rely on. We don't want to depend on anyone, and we want to live on our own terms until the end as we always have," says Sailesh Thakur, 52, faculty of aviation and tourism at Mumbai University. Thakur, who never had family support, was involved with the gay groups in Mumbai and credits their activism and meet-ups for helping him gain an understanding of the LGBTQIA+ world. "That's where I found the courage to come out by seeing others, as I did not want to lead a dual life. I had the support of these groups and the people I met there."

Unfortunately, that kind of a support system is missing for older LGBTQIA+ in India, Thakur notes, making growing older somewhat scary for those without a regular partner or a solid friends and family network to fall back on. "As an older adult, I want to live a healthy life and stay mentally active. I want to be able to go to the bathroom on my own until my last day." Thakur has planned his savings and retirement and hopes these will see him through. "I hope my savings will last for 30 years," he laughs.

The Legal Lack

Having a regular partner and being in a long-term committed relationship can make growing older less lonely, though it's not smooth either. Same-sex marriages do not have legal sanction in India, with the Supreme Court declining to legalise same-sex marriage in Oct 2023.

Dr Roop Gurshahani and his partner Neil Pate have been together for over 20 years and tied the knot in London. Throughout their journey, Pate and his partner have cared for their ageing parents, managed both their stellar careers (Dr Gurshahani is a neurologist/Neil Pate is a senior journalist) and had the support of their family and friends. Despite this, growing older comes with enough challenges due to the lack of a legal sanction.

"In the case of LGBTQIA+ individuals, it's crucial to remember that, unlike heterosexual marriages that often lead to extended families and legal support through marriage certificates, same-sex relationships do not have those. In our country, same-sex relationships and marriages have not been recognised, and this has become a significant hurdle. Even something as fundamental as medical insurance is a challenge. For instance, both of us are doing well in our respective careers, but obtaining medical insurance, a simple necessity, is complicated. We can't get insurance for each other." 

Pate has seen the loneliness and absolute isolation of many older adults in the community once a partner has passed on. He has also seen many being ostracised by their own family and society. He adds that these "seemingly mundane issues of insurance and legalities" become vital as one ages. "In the unfortunate event that something happens to either of us, the first person with the right to decide on our behalf, especially in a non-responsive or vegetative state, should be our partner. This becomes challenging without legal recognition. Additionally, for many LGBTQIA+ people, the support of extended family members is crucial in such situations, and it's not always guaranteed that someone will step in to help."

Smita mentions a heartbreaking incident. "Some years back, a friend of mine lost her long-time partner. They lived with their families but had been together for years. As her partner became frail and incoherent in the last days, the family took over and deliberately kept my friend away from the hospital. Ultimately, she didn't even get to attend the funeral."

Wellness Worries

Health-related worries are common with age, and the LGBTQIA+ community is no exception. "I can tell you anecdotally that in the last decade, HIV infection has been rising among older gay men. Negotiation for a condom is very low for that age group, especially among gay men married to women, and there is always this fear of being found out. That risk is on the rise, and as a result, the vulnerability to HIV has increased in the gay community," says Vivek Anand.

Anand says organisations like Humsafar Trust are very well-equipped to handle the issue. Humsafar Trust's data reveals that 95% to 98% of people who tested positive at their testing centre have recovered.

"But the problem comes with older men who don't want to acknowledge they have tested positive and go to a treatment centre due to inhibitions they grew up with. The older generation requires a lot of counselling, given the stigma, societal pressure, and embarrassment. So HIV is a rising problem among older gay men, and vulnerability is very high, contributing to mental health issues."

Dr Gursahani, Consultant Neurologist at PD Hinduja Hospital, Mumbai and an advanced care planning advocate, suggests that regardless of relationship status, an Advanced Care Plan (ACP) is important for the LGBTQIA+ community to have in place for end-of-life situations as people grow older. An ACP is a process to guide decision-making about your health care when you cannot decide for yourself.

Watch this video to hear his presentation that outlines it in detail: https://youtu.be/ifvQOGxSbPc?si=pUK2NVtC_rzYvquS (56:00 onwards)

One of the critical worries remains mental health as most 50+ LGBTQIA+ in India have grown up in the shadow of Section 377, which criminalised them, along with other challenges.

"The challenges faced by LGBTQIA+ ageing populations in India include limited access to health services, social challenges such as loneliness and isolation, difficulty integrating with the population, lack of social support, stigma, insufficient social services, and marginalisation, adding to the stress. Elder abuse is also a major concern. These factors make it challenging for older individuals to seek help when needed,"

As everyone interviewed tells us without exception, the older generation grew up in an era that criminalised them and marked them 'abnormal'. It has been internalised to such an extent that many still hesitate to seek help.

 The Ageism Within

Professor and ageing studies scholar Tannishtha Samanta from Flame University, Pune, points out that the LGBTQIA+ movement in India does suffer from an age bias.

"The movement, led by youth in metropolitical cities, has not been able to include the 50+ population as part of their activism. This is, of course, not a failure of the movement but primarily because middle-to-older queer persons grew up in a regime where sexual cultures were more stifled, both socially and legally. Hence, many of them led dual lives and continued with their erotic lives that remained invisible. Additionally, the gay movement in the 1980s received negative attention from public health programs due to the high rates of HIV+ persons in their community. This constructed their lives in the language of promiscuity and illegitimacy. The abrogation of Section 377 helped the younger cohorts, but it did not radically change the social lives of those in their middle to older ages."

Dr Banerjee says few older adults are visible even at Pride marches. "Covert ageism is a vicious cycle in the older LGBTQ community. In a country like ours, there are already difficulties for the LGBTQIA population, and the social care services for older people are not great. This makes it a double jeopardy." The social stigma around queer people and sex above a certain age adds to this further. "Sexuality in older adults itself is a taboo and stigma. Imagine talking about sexuality in the older LGBTQIA population! Hence, a lot of issues, such as sexually transmitted diseases and substance abuse, remain unresolved as people do not approach health care because of this social and self-stigma."

It's unfair to generalise the dating scene for LGBTQIA+ older adults. We struggled to find women who would speak to us for this article. Nisha (name changed) mentioned that she had mainly been single after her partner, whom she had known since college, moved out. "I've managed a few dates, but dating remains tough for a 54-year-old single woman, gay or straight."

"The dating market for older queer persons remains circumscribed within the prejudices of age and masculine vitality. Our research on Grindr (a gay dating app) shows how older gay men navigate the online dating space by suppressing their numeric age and through self-disciplining exercise regimes (to look 'younger' and hence desirable) and outlandish sartorial choices to "fit in," says Dr Samanta.

But there's a bright side to it, too, she notes.

"Our conversations with gay older men in long-term relationships outside the Grindr grid revealed contrary narratives of hope and companionship. Some of them noted that their long-term living relationships with a same-sex partner were seldom brought under scrutiny since male friendships or 'dosti' are socially valued and approved!

Seeking Solutions

 The support system for older LGBTQIA+ across India still needs to be improved. According to Anand, there are very few support systems like Humsafar Trust for the ageing queer population. There have been organisations like Gay Bombay and Seenagers, but many have fallen back on the advocacy angle. Seenagers was established by noted gay rights activist Ashok Row Kavi, though it has recently remained somewhat inactive. "However, we are now trying to make it an actual support group, where older gay men could have a network for healthcare needs through each other," Thakur, who has been part of Seenagers, says.

Pate says support groups for older LGBTQIA+ need to go beyond sex and relationships. "If I'm 78 years old, my needs in life extend beyond just the sexual aspect, though that is a biological need. I'll need a support system that includes medical assistance if I need hospitalisation. In the LGBTQIA+ community, finding someone to take an older adult to the hospital becomes a basic concern. You may have to rely on a kind neighbour or some close friends. However, your close friends may all be in the same age group as you, making the help uncertain."

Organisations like Helpage India and ARDSI Kolkata remain queer-friendly, inclusive, and sensitive. Dr Banerjee emphasises that we sensitise sex education, which shouldn't only be gender binary. He highlights the need to protect the rights of gender minorities, including the third gender, who also age over time. His work on transgender older adults during the pandemic shows the need for holistic care of gender minorities.

During her research, Dr Samanta has often observed how the non-kin family is an important element in the queer community and thinks they should be considered legitimate caregivers. "Many queer persons consider their lovers, friends and companions as part of their "chosen" families and rely on them in sickness and in health. Why can't long-term companions and friends be considered legitimate caregivers and receive benefits from the State just as those within the biological family are entitled to? Civil partnerships exist in many European countries and hold significant promise for a country like India, which relies heavily on the family or market provisions for care in old age, without social security and universal health coverage." 

Sailesh Thakur would agree with her about the non-kin support system. Despite being a single man who does not have any support from his own family, he is optimistic about the network he is part of to see him to the end. "I have an alternate family -- good friend circle, both gay and straight, who I can fall back on." 

Useful websites

https://humsafar.org/

https://ardsikolkata.org/

https://www.facebook.com/hpqiorg/

https://www.facebook.com/seenagersgupshupgroup