Mini Memories: Amma and me

Meena Eashwar, 96, is the most senior member of the Silver Talkies Club and an author. She shares memories of her mother-in-law, a woman who went by the rules of the time but also allowed new ideas in.

It was in June 1943 that I entered "Ĺakshmi House", Kharaitabad, Hyderabad - my new home - as a young bride of 15 and the eldest daughter‐in-law of Sri E. Parameswara Iyer and Srimathi Alamelu Ammal better known as Ammalu Kutti by her family members and Ammalu Ammal by her friends. Her casual friends and acquaintances knew her as Khairatabad Mami, as Khairatabad was where she lived.

Both boys and girls got married at a very young age in those days. I was 15+, and my husband was 22, just out of college. His Graduation results were out only after our wedding. 

He was the eldest of five brothers, with no sisters, and I missed having any girls for company. My two youngest brothers-in-law were my constant companions when they were at home. They were a couple of years younger than me. My kid brother being ten years younger than me, I did enjoy the company of my two new adopted brothers.

Soon, I got used to the new environment and got close to my mother-in-law. Like my husband and his brothers, I called her Amma, too. My father-in-law was known as Iyyah to everyone in the family, and I, too, referred to him the same way. My grandmother-in-law was also staying with us. Being of a much earlier generation, she was very strict in her ideas and did not approve of my talking to Iyyah. But that was the norm of the day, and I had to adhere to the rules.

RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN AMMA AND ME

Iyyah was in the erstwhile Nizam's State Government and was the Personal Secretary to the then Prime Minister of Hyderabad, the Late Sir Akbar Hydari. He had long working hours, and this kept him very busy. He often had to accompany Sir Akbar Hydari on his foreign trips, keeping him away from his family for months. Amma had to take complete charge of everything at such times, which she did very efficiently. 

Around that time, our ancestral house was under construction, and she had to take on the added responsibility of supervising the construction. 

She was orthodox in her outlook and always used to be in Kanchipuram silks draped in the traditional 9-yard style. Unlike these days, when jewellery is worn only occasionally, she used to wear all her heavy jewellery daily. Despite her orthodox outlook, she was a member of almost all the Sabhas in town and attended all the cultural programs. She was also a member of the prestigious Lady Hydari Club, where most of the members were Muslim ladies belonging to the Nawabi families. Coming from the generation and outlook she did, this did not deter her, and she attended all the parties there, but when it came to fruits, she would have only fruìts.

Although all festivals were observed in my parental home, we sisters were not exposed to any rituals. Amma was very ritualistic and was very particular about it. That was good exposure for me, and I learned a lot about our customs and culture. She was interested in arranging dolls for Navaratri and would have elaborate Golus with different themes each year. During all nine days of the festival, our home was bustling with visitors - primarily women and children. A Sumangali or a Kanya, an unmarried girl, was invited for a festive lunch on each of the nine days. In addition to applying customary Haldi, Kumkum, etc., we also gave them a gift of a blouse piece or a pavadai as a token of appreciation. It was almost like having a fair at home every day!

On Vijaya Dasami Day, her Muslim friends would visit after all the ritualistic Pujas.

Ours was a joint family. In 1960, my husband accepted an assignment in Delhi, and we shifted there with our three sons and two daughters. The youngest of my brothers-in-law is a doctor, and Amma preferred to stay back in Hyderabad with him and visited us often.

When my eldest son married Sucharita, a Bengali, initially, Amma refused to attend the wedding. My son is the eldest of all her grandchildren, and I was keen that she be present at the wedding and bless the young couple. I made a special visit to Hyderabad to convince and persuade her to come. It was a tough job, and I had to quote another incident in our family.

Much earlier in 1952, my second brother-in-law wanted to marry a college mate from the Naidu community. Amma was furious and refused to see or even let him come home. After a few years and much persuasion, she agreed to welcome them back home. 

She fully agreed with me when I pointed out that it would be better to accept and welcome the bride graciously now rather than create unpleasantness for everyone and accept her after a few years.

Actually, Amma was more worried about what others would say or think.

We were all happy Amma was present at the wedding, and Parmesh and Sucharita married with Amma's Blessings and complete consent.

(A version of this article in Tamil previously appeared in Ladies Special Magazine, March 2003. Girija Raghavan, editor and publisher of Ladies Special, has kindly consented to us publishing the English version of the article here)

Editor's note: 

Meena Eashwar is the author of No More Secrets- A Grandmother’s Treasure Trove of Tam Brahm Recipes & More. Published by Notion Press, the above article was the first step into the world of writing before the book. 

“Writing was the last thing I ever wanted to do till a  few years back when one of my sisters requested me to write an article for a Tamil magazine. I am not fluent in written Tamil and had no intention of obliging her. Moreover, writing was not my cup of tea. Much as I tried an escape route, she refused to accept a "No" from me. She insisted on my writing in English and said she would translate it into Tamil. The topic, too, was tricky ‐The relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in real life. Reluctantly, I agreed to her request. 

However, I wrote something fairly acceptable and got off with it. It came in the March issue of "Ladies Special" magazine, 2003. That was my first published article ever!! Thus, I owe my primary thanks to my sister  for introducing me to the  world of writing.”

Meena Eashwar tells us that she learnt to cook at the tender age of 16 when she found herself in the culinary deep end soon after her marriage! That was when she did not even know whether milk was added to curd or curd to milk for making curds! She says the first time she made Sambar on her own, way back in 1944, it looked and tasted like nothing on earth. But today, at 90 plus, she has come a long way from that stage! She brings over 75 years of experience cooking for her five kids, in-laws, friends and relatives.

Her cookbook is a collection of easy-to-follow recipes. While most of the dishes are from Tamil Nadu and Kerala Cuisines, there are a few recipes from other regions of India, too.

“Inevitable”, she points out, “given the background of my cosmopolitan family - my three daughters-in-law hail from Bengal, Gujarat and Maharashtra, one of my sons-in-law is a Mangalorean Christian, and the other a Palakkad Iyer”. She herself has lived in Palakkad, Madras, Bombay, Calcutta, Hyderabad, Delhi, Nanded, Karimnagar, Bidar... “Don’t forget Rangoon and Colombo in my early years”, she adds.