The Wisdom Series: Vimala Varadan's Caregiving Journey

The Wisdom Series by Silver Talkies is about stories of resilience and perseverance, mentoring and coaching, following a passion, and taking on a challenge. Here is the inspiring story of Silver Talkies club member Vimala Varadan. 

"The saga of taking care is very difficult to go through, and I would not wish it on the worst of my enemies," says Vimala Varadan, 71, independent woman, dedicated former caregiver, mother of Monisha and Malavika, and grandmother of Zoya, Meera and Raya.

In 1996, Murali Varadan, then 49, working in a family-owned book publishing firm, suffered a stroke due to a brain aneurysm leading to right-side paralysis and aphasia. Aphasia is the loss of the person's ability to communicate. As a result, Murali had to re-learn speech and language entirely.

The Varadans had recently shifted to their new home in Bengaluru. Suddenly overnight, things changed. Vimala, 46, a bank employee, was thrust into the role of family provider and main parent to her young daughters. She also became the primary caregiver to her husband, Murali Varadan, a role she took over for the next 26 years. Murali had been a very supportive and loving husband and father. "It felt like my hands had been cut off." 

In the early years of caring for Murali, getting hired, trustworthy and trained help was impossible, Vimala recalls. Hence, the caregiving responsibilities fell on Vimala and her two daughters.

 There were times when Vimala felt overwhelmed. "I wanted to run away, get away from it all; I didn't want to be there". Every time the thought of her young daughters pulled her back. 

Her daughters understood. 

Her daughter Malavika wrote in a Facebook post in 2018: "My mother has dedicated every waking moment of the last 22 years to caring for my Dad. Her daily focus is on his food, his rest, his exercise, his medical needs, and his happiness. Somewhere in between that, she has managed to find the energy to raise her two girls - through school and college, exams, boyfriends, careers, and some very rebellious teenage years. She has taught us to say what's on our minds and stand up for what matters to us. And none of that has been easy. She doesn't back down, this woman. She stands with her back straight, looks the storm in the eye and fights until the next sunrise". 

Vimla lost Murali in early 2022. She now spends time adjusting to the loss and doing things that bring her purpose and joy. Travel is high on her list. "I'm 71, and time is running out!" she laughs. She remains closely bonded with her daughters, who live overseas and is planning her next visit to their homes. They encourage her to pursue interests and hobbies that appeal to her and to write about her experience as a caregiver as it may help several others in a similar situation.

As part of the Wisdom Series, Vimala shares some learnings as a caregiver with us for Silver Talkies readers.

• Have belief. Use your faith. Vimala's faith in Shirdi Sai Baba and Murali's faith in Buddhism helped them through the dark and challenging times. Her daughters Monisha and Malavika also found strength in Buddhism. 

• Celebrate the small victories and set small targets. For instance, setting goals like this week, let's learn to wear trousers; next week, remember to wear the shirt yourself, work better.

• Know that life does not come to a standstill. Life goes on. Murali used a wheelchair for 26 years, suffered from aphasia, had multiple surgeries, asthma, and had cancer for the last eight years before passing. But his attitude remained positive. Life for Vimala and Murali went on. She attributes Murali's positivity to how she and her daughter coped with their challenges.

• Caregivers need time off and a life of their own. Do activities that you enjoy. Vimala travelled to Dubai and Singapore with Murali multiple times in the last decade. She also took breaks of her own when possible. She travelled to Bhutan and Bali with tour groups she liked. At 65, she also learned how to swim and took piano lessons.

• Be patient and keep doing the tough repetitive things. A psychiatrist who visited the Varadans told Vimala, "The sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening, don't expect the sun to set in the afternoon. Don't have great hopes; it will take its time." Vimala says that gave her hope. She decided that "she must plod through this every day, and slowly get back a semblance of normalcy in their lives". 

• Managing medication well. Vimala says this is extremely important when the family member you're caring for suffers from multiple illnesses. 

Even after Murali's passing, this septuagenarian keeps herself occupied and active. An avid traveller, she enjoyed learning French at the language classes conducted by the Silver Talkies Club. She has also loved sessions on Warli painting and creative writing. "I like attending the virtual musical events and the physical meet-ups in Bengaluru."

Life for Vimala has never come to a standstill. It goes on. 

The wisdom from her life? Cherish the small victories in your caregiving journey. Take breaks and also have your own life.

All photographs courtesy: Vimala Varadan

Read the first part of our Wisdom Series with Rajam Shanker here.